IRFAN’S ELECTION ERECTION! The political column guaranteed to help with the HARD choices

ELECTION ERECTION: Each week over the federal election campaign, True Crime News Weekly’s Culture Editor, Irfan Yusuf, will provide his keen political insights and a bit of wisdom to help you with the hard choices.

This year, the Jewish Passover, Muslim Ramadan and Christian Easter will all coincide with the Sikh Festival of Vaisakhi. And given he is behind in the polls and his favourite Pastor is in a spot of legal bother, our erstwhile PM Scotty Morrison will be hoping for some kind – any kind – of divine intervention.

Elections, like divine beings, often work in mysterious ways. This election is super-important, especially for young people. Unfortunately it’s now too late to enrol. The government sneakily made sure the final date would come and go very quickly so that first time voters would only have a narrow window of opportunity to enrol, the assumption being that they were less likely to vote for the Coalition.

You’ll find plenty of pompous pundits telling you about who said what about unemployment, who fell over at their campaign launch, who isn’t too fond of transgender people and who doesn’t want a federal anti-corruption commission with the same powers as the NSW ICAC. You’ll read plenty of shite about seats and funding and announcements. You’ll probably end up getting so bored with it all that you’ll end up watching this old fart explain the Federal Election as only he can.

What you need is a well-hung and ultra-hard analysis of an election that will determine your future, the future of our nation, our region and the planet as a whole. What you need is Irfan’s Federal Election Erection Analysis (IFEEA). Each week until the day after the Election, IFEEA will bring you the latest in frivolous gossip as well as unique ANALysis, all with minimum smut and maximum substance (or in Irfan’s case, substances).

And when it comes to federal politics, the True Crime News Weekly Crime Culture editor knows what he’s talking about. After all, he was a Federal Liberal candidate in the 2001 Federal Election for the seat of Reid in Western Sydney where he ran against that ALP-Left heavyweight of truly Scottish proportions, Laurie Ferguson. It was a truly historic result in which Irfan scored a 5.1% swing on a 2-party preferred basis. Or to put it another way, Laurie defeated Irfan by a mere 22,110 votes.

Irfan’s campaign (and indeed the campaigns of all Liberal candidates in NSW) was overseen by the then Liberal State Director Scott Morrison. The tactic used by Morrison in that election, which became known as the Tampa election and the “children overboard” election was simple – destroy Pauline Hanson by resembling her on refugee and immigration policy as much as possible. Co-opt Hansonite racism and effectively transform a Liberal Party that once welcomed Vietnamese refugees into a party that locks them up indefinitely.

IFEEA columns will cover some discussion of swings, turns and roundabouts, of polls and gaffes and shit like that. But most of all, IFEEA will cover the Federal Erec … whoops … Election in the manner you’ve come to expect from this magnificent publication. We will tell you what’s happening on the ground, from the view of the ordinary punter. Come May 21, we will really be in the SWING of things.

We’ll also cover key elements of policy that affect Aussies young and young at heart – corruption, housing affordability, health, education and much more. And because I’m a true conservative liberal, my analysis will focus on how policies affect individuals. No, not rich bastards who can afford to pay their own way without middle class welfare. I mean vulnerable individuals. Because genuinely conservative liberal policy is about ensuring government is small enough so that it can spend resources on individuals who need help, not on fat cats or Mosman doctor’s wives who regularly shop at Chatswood Chase or on Toorak Road.

Hopefully IFEEA will also be able to bring coverage from key seats in Western Australia – particularly seat held by Labor MP Anne Aly and that being vacated by controversial former Attorney General Christian Porter.

(I say hopefully because His Eminence Shaykh Mark bin McGowan might close the border again out of spite.)

So strap yourselves in your best leather – as in leather couch – and enjoy Irfan’s Federal Election Erection Analysis.

Now before I leave, I offer you an explanation and a prediction. First, here’s the explanation of why I decided to call this column an Election Erection analysis. Well, we haven’t had a female PM for ages and it’s likely that we won’t have one for some time. Both candidates are male and both are keen to show how tough and testosterone-filled they are on issues like national security and border “protection”. And both would love to shirtfront Vladimir Putin.

And here’s my prediction. I predict that I have no idea which side will win this election. It really comes down to seats. Unlike well-heeled hipster outfits like GetUp, I don’t believe the best campaigning is done in safe seats. Only a dunderhead thinks marginal seats don’t matter. Though the definition of “marginal” depends on how big the swing is. But if I was to make a prediction, it wouldn’t surprise me if we had a well-hung parliament.