TRUE OPINION: A caveman like Scott Morrison knows plenty about ‘The Croods’

TRUE OPINION: Prime Minister Scott Morrison is struggling on the home front with a worsening Covid Crisis and on the international front with Australia’s failures in Afghanistan so out have come all the piss-poor parables to save his own arse, writes Kieran Butler.

There is nothing more Australian than abusing a child. Except for; torturing refugees to death, doing a rape on a debating trip, being racist enough to get elected to government or cutting and running from a fight to leave your friends and allies to die in a ditch.

So let’s not get too maudlin about the fact that a few kids are probably going to die so Scott Morrison and his government can get re-elected next year.

I explained this to my ten year old who isn’t that keen on dying. She would like to get vaccinated like her parents, but she isn’t old enough. She complained to me that Scott Morrison’s daughters are now old enough to be vaccinated. “Morrison is not a monster” I reassured her. “He likes that movie The Croods”.

Luckily, my daughter had heard of that movie, so I avoided the minutiae of the rest of the conversation. I changed the subject by suggesting we watch a documentary about Oscar Pistorius, so I could illustrate the difference between murder and reckless manslaughter. This is how I do home schooling that remains relevant.

Suffice to say, I taught her an important lesson about what it means to be Australian: Fuck kids. They don’t vote. If in doubt, pretend kids are a refugee. Or refugee kids in detention. Whichever.

Morrison is a great communicator. He speaks to ordinary Australians through parables. Jesus did this. Jesus did that. Jesus is an inspiration to people who rape kids.

Morrison recently regaled the Parliament with The Parable of The Croods. It bears mentioning, he reasoned, because they made The Croods 2. If they made a sequel, it must be good. This is how religious morons with rat cunning speak to a flock of fuckwits who vote for them.

After Islamic State bombed Kabul airport, Morrison was in his element. At the press conference he said: “The bombing at Kabul airport is like Star Wars. Darth Vader used the Death Star to destroy the planet Alderaan in order to demonstrate the awesome power of the Empire to Princess Leia. Did she give up? No. Did Luke, Han & Chewie give up when Obi Wan felt a disturbance in the force? No. They kept going and they destroyed the Death Star. And there was a sequel. Yes, the Empire did strike back but the Jedi returned… I forget where I’m going with this… Oh right, yes, the first one was also called A New Hope. And Australia needs hope. And that is what my government offers. Hope. I like Star Wars.”

The assembled journalists lapped this up and peppered Morrison with questions about other movies he had seen and what they had to teach us. These journalists know that Morrison gives Australians what they want: Parables, child abuse, movie reviews and lies.

Morrison’s eloquence is endless. He recently said: “It doesn’t matter how you start a race, what matters is how you finish it.”

If you have been watching the Olympics and the Paralympics, you may have noticed that how a competitor starts a race is of utmost importance. If they fuck up the start, it is very difficult to catch up. They might lose, but they still finish. I always thought that the aim of a race is to win, not just finish. I am an idiot.

Morrison has turned conventional wisdom on its head. It’s like that movie. You know the one. Where the bloke in the race gets off to a bad start, but finishes anyway.

I digress. You can’t ignore a good parable. Morrison is going to make Australia come out of the cave. Supported by lies about vaccination targets based on incomplete modeling from an Institute run by a bloke called Doherty; who can’t tell the difference between a Google search and a Twitter post.

Granted, hundreds of thousands of people are going to get sick, and thousands of people are going to die. However, the economy will snap back, stimulated by the billions of dollars the government has printed, and Australians will vote the LNP back into power.

Bizarrely, recent opinion polls have the ALP leading the LNP 54-46 on a two party preferred basis. It is more than an election winning lead. It points to a landslide victory. It would seem to indicate that Morrison, despite his insightful parables, deceit and fortitude, is leading his government to defeat.

Wrong. Australians lie to pollsters. It’s like that movie: “The 2019 Federal Election”. When faced with telling the truth about their voting intentions to a recorded voice over the phone, Australians are aware that their penchant for racism, child abuse and torturing refugees looks quite bad. So they lie about it. However, when their vote actually counts, they will always lean toward a vacuous turd like Scott Morrison.

It doesn’t help that the ALP are permanently stuck in 1994 when it comes to what constitutes effective opposition. Anthony Albanese and the ALP do not have the killer instinct or requisite hatred of their opponents. They ask the same question two days in a row during Question Time in the mistaken belief it underlines the point the question isn’t being answered, despite the fact nobody watches Question Time.

Imagine if that movie “The 2019 Federal Election” had a completely different ending. Imagine if an ALP government had presided over an entire summer of bushfires, a pandemic, a trillion dollars of debt, rolling lockdowns, failing businesses, delayed vaccine rollouts and an economic recession.

Imagine if Scott Morrison was the leader of the opposition and PM Bill Shorten was explaining that Australia must come out of the prehistoric cave because life is like a movie.

Morrison would be saying repeatedly that the ALP are now risking the lives of children in order to be re-elected.

“It’s like that movie Jurassic Park; where the kids nearly get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex because the park wasn’t properly vaccinated” he would smirk, flashing his trademark shit eating grin.

RELATED BUT SHAMELESS PLUG: The movie Dirty Dancing made the phrase “Nobody puts Baby in the corner” part of the vernacular. As Gladys Berejiklian and Scott Morrison will tell you: “Nobody puts Delta in the corner”.

Celebrate the success of Delta by purchasing this T-Shirt designed by my daughter.

If she dies so Scott Morrison can win an election, these T-Shirts will be worth heaps. Then I can put out another one with her face on it that says “Scott Morrison has this child’s blood on his hands – but it washes off easier than the seed of Christian Porter”. That’s another veiled movie reference. It never ends.

About Kieran Butler 8 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at www.kieranbutler.com

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