TRUE OPINION: Australia hung itself a long time ago

TRUE OPINION: The quality of the nooses and gallows out on the streets of Melbourne calling for the head of Victoria’s Labor premier, Dan Andrews, improved markedly in just the space of a few days, muses comedian Kieran Butler.

On November 11, at the eleventh hour, many of us pause for a minute to remember that going to war is not the best way to go about dispute resolution.

Remembrance Day has been going on for over a hundred years but it never seems to make any difference. Beating the drums of war is still the best way to win a popular vote in any polity you care to name – no matter how many poppies are pinned to a million lapels.

In the eastern states of Australia, except for those crazy Queenslanders, an anomaly of daylight savings means that when you pause to remember the war on November 11, you are also pausing at the exact time they hanged Ned Kelly. That’s right. It’s not hung. It’s hanged. Horses and your best mate Trevor are well hung. Condemned people are hanged.

Ned’s last words were “Ah well, I suppose it has come to this”. Fair play Ned. I’d imagine that once you’d gunned down three coppers, it would not have taken the genius of a rocket surgeon to surmise that you’d booked an appointment with the bastard Upjohn.

As the Jerilderie letter proved, Ned was possessed of little political skill, so did not have the foresight to express his final thoughts as a decent three word slogan. Luckily, someone else came up with Such is Life; which fits perfectly on stubby holders, the back of a Ute and Ben Cousins’ torso.

In present day Victoria, the Kill the Bill protestors that have been parked outside Parliament House for the past few days would no doubt see a lot of Ned Kelly in themselves. They are fighting for freedom against an unjust and tyrannical government and, in keeping with the style of times; they brought their own gallows.

RENEGADE RADIO: Kieran Butler on Nooses, Gallows & Imitating Scott Morrison

Like Ned, they are also fast learners. The gallows they put together just a few days ago were a dog’s breakfast of crudely applied physics, poor workmanship and shoddy construction; featuring an L-shaped bracket that would barely have supported the weight of a small child. According to the Goods Act and consumer law, they were woefully unfit for purpose.

However, a couple of nights later, what may have been intended as a prototype was replaced with a solid upright and support beam and brace configuration that looked suspiciously like the scientific method and mathematics had been employed in order to put it all together. Credit where credit is due.

Furthermore, the length of the nooses attached to the new and improved gallows appeared to demonstrate a rudimentary acquaintance with the work of British hangman, Albert Pierrepoint, who took pride in calculating the correct length of the rope with which to hang a condemned person as quickly and efficiently as possible; determined by their exact weight. I therefore assume an accurate estimate of Daniel Andrews’ current weight is listed on Avi Yemini’s Instagram page.

If Ned is still up there, giving a flying f*ck about the pseudo-revolutionaries who sink piss out of products branded with slogans he never said, I wonder if his sense of humour is well developed enough to laugh at the joke Australia has become.

On account of a self-confessed branch stacker deciding to grace the Parliament with his presence to settle a few scores, a giddy Raf Epstein took to the ABC airwaves to announce, “Victoria is in crisis”. Epstein’s lament was that the protestors just want to “talk at us” – while he talked at everyone about hypothetical Muslim protestors who dabbled in a bit of hypothetical gallows DIY.

“Don’t condemn thousands of legitimate protestors by the actions of a mere handful of their number” responded LNP renaissance man, Matthew ‘Mafia’ Guy, who spent the last state election condemning Africans by the actions of a mere handful of their number.

“Australians are sick of governments telling them what to do,” argues the Prime Minister who lies so much I am not entirely sure whether Australians really are sick of governments telling them what to do. Either way, it is a terrific argument to make for electing him to not tell you what to do, or to tell you what to do if you ever change your mind.

The Kill the Bill protestors claim that Victoria’s proposed pandemic legislation; identical to that which has been passed in NSW without so much as a trip to your local Bunning’s for H7 timber and jetty rope, is just like the coming of Nazi Germany.

We’ve come full circle. It wasn’t that long ago that these very same folk jeered and sneered the snowflakes who used similar vernacular to describe the treatment of refugees who are locked up indefinitely without charge, in a Melbourne hotel that is just down the road from the gallows that symbolise the protestors outrage at the creeping fascism that now threatens their way of life.

Thank f*ck they have finally noticed. All they need now is a trap door with decent hinges and we can finally get this party started. I’ll go first. If anyone else wants to follow me my advice is to not lie about your weight. If you do, the rope will be too short and you may survive with an acquired brain injury, only to end up in a poorly funded hospital system overrun with the inevitable fourth wave of Covid we won’t have any legislation in place to deal with.

Ah well, I suppose it has come to this.

About Kieran Butler 13 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at www.kieranbutler.com

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