TRUE OPINION: A few of his latest political predictions have been bang on the money but for comedian and satirist, Kieran Butler, being right isn’t always so soothing.
A friend told me during the week that he thought my political prognostications were “insane” – right up until I won a bunch of money betting on Boris Johnson to be UK Prime Minister in the August of 2018 – 11 months before it happened.
My reasoning for making that wager was an understanding that voters love racism; and that #BloJo was shit hot at racism. He said women in burqas look like letterboxes. That’s some Howardesque level dog whistling. Australian politics taught me that Johnson would do very, very well.
In 2010, I told an astonished Jon Faine on ABC radio that Tony Abbott would be an Australian PM. He thought I was an idiot. Fair enough too. I was there to talk about my stupid pop-parody rock opera about the footballer, Ben Cousins. Look it up. It was really, really stupid.
I called #BloJo and the #Australiar, Scott Morrison, “bros from another mofo” months ago. They’re both on a similar trajectory down the political S-Bend right now. On Morrison, when Andrew Bolt says you’re f*cked, you’re f*cked. He knows f*cked. He lives and breathes it.
Our fearless editor here at True Crime had the Walkley that was rightfully his awarded to someone else after he broke the story of a philandering Barnaby Joyce; otherwise known as the LNP’s token Parliamentary drunk and sexual harasser. It was the pic what won it for Sharri Markson a few months later; when everyone else found out Barnaby was bonking the beetroot out of Vikki Campion.
Barnaby fessed up to calling #theaustraliar a hypocrite. That means f*ck all coming from a hypocrite. Joyce banged on about the sanctity of marriage while he was banging his staffer; who now writes Credlinesque rubbish for Murdoch. Sweet gig that. I might have a crack at Karen Andrews to further my shitty career. She really is the epitome of a ‘Karen’ as the kids would say! I bet she allegedly goes off like Bruce Lehrmann in the sack.
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Barnaby will no doubt get an Order of Australia for his hypocrisy. That he called Morrison a liar is hardly surprising. Although, back in my day, when you texted a rape victim to call the bloke who said he only heard about the rape ten minutes ago a liar, it usually meant that the liar in question was involved in covering up that rape prior to the last federal election.
The best bit was Joyce offering his resignation to someone who could not accept it by Coalition convention, followed by making a virtue out of that, while asking to be taken on trust that the boys are all cool with each other now. So cool, in fact, that they were both on a unity ticket in Parliament saying sorry for all the rape – and solemnly promising to do better! Except when Barnaby is shit faced of course. All bets are off when Barnaby is three sheets to the wind by lunchtime.
It wasn’t that long ago that Indigenous folk turned their backs on John Howard while he was laying it on with a trowel. When Morrison was on his feet mouthing empty platitudes about not raping the ladies in Parliament House, Higgins, Albanese and anyone who isn’t a complete cunt should have at least turned their backs on him. Anyone with an ounce of integrity would have just punched his #smirkunt face in.
I made my best guess at what really went down prior to the last election in my recent missive titled ‘Tame the Impaler’. It was the reference to the band, Tame Impala, that made it genius. However, seeing as most of my demographic are over 45, I doubt anyone got it. My wife didn’t, and she likes Bruno Mars!
True to form, Ms Tame impaled Morrison so many times in her latest Press Club address, he now works in a restaurant as a colander. He’s rubbish at that job as well. In case you were wondering.
‘When did you hear about the, Rape Morrison?’ was the headline to another of my articles from ages ago. You won’t hear the simpering Canberra press gallery ask that essential question of the PM though. They are easily distracted by “hoarders opening”. That’s right. Morrison said “hoarders” instead of “borders” at a recent presser. He is now talking in tongues like the Pentecostal toe-rag that he is.
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Having said that, the idea of commissioning Ben Roberts-Smith to work in aged care homes should have an instant effect on the cause of death for the elderly amongst us. Expect to see a lot of “shot in the head for being an insurgent” on death certificates in future. I am pretty sure that was what Morrison said as he rambled on and on, pointing out the obvious; while the idiot press pack waited patiently to ask questions he wouldn’t answer.
Bolt wants Dutton now, but I can announce right here that the next Australian PM will be Due Frydenberg. Regular readers will know my slogan “When is the debt, Due Frydenberg?” I have been ready for him for some time.
When will the election be held I hear you ask? It won’t be in May for starters. The half-Senate needs to happen in May, and even if it means losing some skin in the upper house, in order to have time to wheel out Due, the LNP will go for it. Going late will justify changing the Prime Minister, and vice versa. It will be in August or September 3. Put a tenner on it at www.rortsbet.com.au
The Eagle has been telling Morrison to go later in the year for ages. Doing things at the last minute is his trademark. Whether it is Religious Discrimination legislation, a vaccine roll out, dumping Christian Porter, or saying sorry to Brittany Higgins, #smirkunt hands in his work as late as possible for maximum electoral effect.
This is because Australians forget everything within six months. Everything. I told you this six months ago. I assume you already forgot.