TRUE OPINION: Bonking Beetroot Barnaby Joyce Back Again Is Peak Bogan Australia!

TRUE OPINION: Beloved by readers of True Crime News Weekly everywhere, Barnaby Joyce has once again returned as leader of the Nationals Party this week just a little over three years after the alleged serial sexual harasser and toxic drunkard was booted out as the nation’s deputy prime minister, partly thanks to investigative reporting by this humble website. Kieran Butler tries to make sense of it all.

The Bonking Beetroot is back baby! For the uninitiated, that’s maverick MP and husband-of-the-year, Barnaby fucking Joyce! It’s about time I say.

Michael McCormack was good fun, but he seemed to take himself rather seriously. He rated himself as a practitioner of the Parliamentary put down, and was in fine form last week – according to McCormack – when he called Adam Bandt a “traitor” and waxed lyrical about mice scratching the feet of inner-city children.

On second thoughts, Joyce might just have to bring his A-game. Hat, or no hat.

Vikki Campion must be shitting herself. She has pumped out two kids for the Beetroota already and according to recent history, that is when Barnaby gets a bit toey.

“Leadership pulls the babes” is a well worn Tory proverb, as Boris Johnson will tell anyone willing to listen. However, all things considered, Campion should count herself lucky that Barnaby prefers willing women.

Portergate must have really stuck in Barnaby’s craw. In Barnaby’s mind, he lost his job for banging a staffer consensually. Porter is in the frame for an alleged rape and he never lost his position in Cabinet, albeit a sideways shuffle from Attorney-General to Industry Minister. Therefore, the redemption of the Beetroota is long overdue. Never matter the pesky, unresolved details regarding Catherine Marriott’s claims of sexual harassment which even the Nationals couldn’t find in Barnaby’s favour.

Barnaby reckons the Tamil family should go back to Biloela. I have no idea how pissed he was when he said that, but it won’t be happening. Torturing refugees and their kids is arguably more popular in Australia than watching Test cricket in December. It wins elections. The Aussie chicks who reckoned they were outraged by the rapes don’t mind a bit of the kiddie refugee torture if the polls are anything to go by. Yep, Barnaby sure says some mad shit when he’s been on the turps!

Predictably, Anthony Albanese got a real spring in his step in the wake of the news that the National Party’s most famous pants man was replacing the National Party’s greatest orator.

READ THE EXCLUSIVE STORIES THAT BROUGHT DOWN THE BONKING BEETROOT THE FIRST TIME AROUND

“THE BONKING BEETROOT”: Deputy PM and “homewrecker” Barnaby Joyce rumoured to have traded sex for favours with powerful Canberra lobbyist

SHOCKING! Australia’s Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce alleged to have ‘stalked’ & ‘molested’ teen girl and young woman

EXCLUSIVE! MARRIAGE HYPOCRITE! Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce cheats on wife with long sexual affair with staffer while lecturing public on gays ruining marriage

Albo gets this idiot grin all over his face when he thinks he’s making headway. To begin with, he actually chuckles about how terrible the government is. Then he looks a bit serious about failing to roll out the vaccine. Then a journo reminds him that he is as popular as an LNP consent class, so he fucks off.

The ALP will not win the next federal election. If you are reading this believing, like Albanese, that Australians punish instability at the ballot box, I suggest you fire up the crack pipe and inhale deeply. Do as much as you like. It is your addiction to Hope that will kill you in the end.

No matter how much you choose to believe it, Australia did not punish the ALP for changing leaders in 2013. It was the racism what done it. A party that lost an election to a newly minted PM two years ago might have worked this out.

Albanese prattled on about “zero emissions by 2050”, as if Australians voters are motivated by such things. They’re not. They vote for racism. When the LNP finally deport the Bilo family back to Sri Lanka, it will be around the same time Morrison to heads off to Yarralumla to kick off the next election.

Images of those poor bastards being bundled onto a plane will more than likely end up on pornhub.australia. Very few people know that the search term “refugee torture porn” originated in an LNP focus group.

“But Barnaby has a women problem!” cry the inner-city Hope junkies, still high on the idea that a rape in Parliament House before the last election will have a deleterious effect on the incumbent government’s prospect of re-election. It won’t. Hypothetically, if you ask an Australian to make a definitive choice between refugee torture, and having a rapist as a future Prime Minister, they will eruditely point out that drowning people at sea is worse than rape.

Albanese and the ALP fail over and over again because they over estimate the intelligence of the electorate and dream of a “fair and compassionate” Australia that has never existed.

In his last go-around at Question Time as Deputy PM, McCormack was unusually restrained, but his comments last week about rehoming mice in coffee drinking inner-city shitholes so they could attack the children were actually why the LNP always beat the ALP.

They tell lies, spread fear, stoke division and foment hatred.

A clear opportunity for the ALP to do the same exists regarding the failed vaccination roll out. Lying about the short comings of the various brands, spreading fear about deadly side effects, stoking division between Australians given the freedom to travel overseas – like Scott Morrison – and those who will be stuck in Australia for the next decade, and fomenting hatred of the government for being the enemy of freedom.

However, as I type this Albanese is on his feet in Parliament, trying to suspend standing orders, banging on about stable government, renewable energy and some fucking policy failure or another.

“Winners only win cos we’re there to be losers” is a lyric from a song someone once wrote. It should be etched onto the wall of the ALP caucus room.

They say Barnaby etched “the Beetroota will be back” into the rim of his hat.

Lock up your daughter, Michael McCormack!

About Kieran Butler 9 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at www.kieranbutler.com

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