TRUE OPINION: I’m going to become a racist wanker politician like the rest of them. Hear me out…

TRUE OPINION: In a controversial and perhaps wholly cynical take on the Australian voting populace and humanity-at-large, satirist Kieran Butler says he intends to run as an Independent at the next federal election against Treasurer Josh Frydenberg and defeat the Liberal National Party by using the kind of racist tactics and bigoted dumbed-down slogans that seemingly always allow them to win government.

The past two weeks has been a textbook example of Australian politics for the past 20 years. Seemingly boxed into a corner because of all that pesky rape business, the LNP government responded with a trusted mix of lies, fear, division and hatred.

Lies about jail terms for Indian Australians returning from India, fear of a Covid third wave, division between “real” Australians and all those pretend brown ones fomenting hatred if the latter. It’s been going on since John Howard uttered the immortal words “Always go full racist” in 2001 and the LNP keep doing it because it works.

Polling this week showed a 5% jump in approval for PM Scott Morrison, while the ALP were left standing with their dicks in their hands decrying “racism” and sounding like the perennial losers that they are.

The first rule of being a Tory is: “Hypocrisy. Always.” After blathering on for decades about the “debt and deficit disaster” this and “the national credit card” that, it turns out that this is only a problem when it is the ALP spending the money and racking up debt.

The recent budget bakes in $1 trillion worth of public debt, and if you have heard of Modern Monetary Theory, it would come as no surprise that printing that much money has not resulted in runaway inflation or interest rates. Fiscal stimulus is just money we all get to spin around the economy. Scarcity is a myth. Need more? Just a punch a few more zeroes into the computer. The Reserve Bank can always buy more bonds.

But it does beg the question: When is the debt, Due Frydenberg?

That question will be the slogan for my satirical campaign as an independent candidate for the upcoming Federal election in the seat of Gorton. I will be running against the hapless ALP hack, Brendan O’Connor. You won’t have heard of him. He never says anything interesting. One can only imagine that this is an ALP KPI when your leader is Anthony Albanese, who seems to struggle to speak words coherently.

My pitch to the people of Gorton will be simple: O’Connor is shit. He has done nothing for the electorate because it is a safe ALP seat. He is a front bench member of the most pointless opposition in Australian political history; who are headed for a landslide defeat because they are incapable of understanding how to apply the politics of lies, fear, division and hatred to their advantage. Elect me and I will, at the very least, be entertaining! From the cross bench, I could teach the ALP a thing or two about how to oppose an incumbent government in the present day.

My slogan “When is the debt, Due Frydenberg?” is a winner simply because it dog whistles to the most marginalised racism there is: Anti-Semitism. It is astounding that, in a country that indulges in so much racism for political gain, nobody has cashed in already. It should come as no surprise. Tories won’t go near it because Jewish folk vote Tory, and the Left would prefer to lose than get in the gutter. I reckon it will help me take a minimum 5% off O’Connor, make bank, and piss off the Sky News talking heads AND those Tory shills at the ABC at the same time.

The Guardian have already banned “When is the debt, Due Frydenberg?”. It took them six months to work out why, but they got there in the end. I posted it incessantly last year to road test it. It does everything a stupid political slogan should do, and we all know that stupid political slogans get you elected. It tells lies, spreads fear, stokes division and foments hatred. The racism is baked in and it creates an idiotic and memorable nickname. When the inevitable shit storm kicks off surrounding it there are a multitude of talking points to follow up with.

The ALP are now a party of permanent opposition, endlessly twiddling their thumbs, dreaming of the day government falls into their lap again so they can enact all of the wonderful reforms they have developed through carefully crafted policy. What they haven’t learned is how to actually win government with lies, fear, division and hatred. I intend to teach them from the cross bench.

Whilst you listen to the endless pontification about the recent budget, remember these words: “When is the debt, Due Frydenberg?” Don’t forget to be outraged and offended.

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About Kieran Butler 2 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at www.kieranbutler.com

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