TRUE OPINION: Lawyers love f*ckboy Christian Porter for some weird reason…

TRUE OPINION: The “alleged rapist” politician Christian Porter fancies himself as a great legal mind and all the other stupid lawyers around Australia seem to lap it up, writes Kieran Butler.

Christian Porter will still be a federal Minister at the next election. He will be re-elected in the seat of Pearce. He will serve as a minister in the next Morrison government.

One day, in the not too distant future, he will realise his life long goal of being an Australian Prime Minster.

Why you ask? It is quite simple. Held in such high regard as they are in a country that counts genocide, refugee torture, child abuse, corruption and watching Married At First Sight as its favourite pastimes, the litmus test for anything in Australia is: What would a lawyer do?

Well, a lawyer has looked past the allegations that Porter drugged and anally raped a sixteen year old who was so traumatised she committed suicide 32 years later. (Say what you like about him, but Porter leaves a lasting impression)

A lawyer has looked past Porter’s ill-thought out and eventually abandoned defamation case that was intended to clear his name when he gave evidence under oath.

A lawyer has looked past the fact Porter has buried the evidence that was to be presented to the court in defence of his claim that he had been defamed.

A lawyer has looked past his failed marriages, his drunken womanising and the mysterious Blind Trust that has stumped up a million dollars for his legal fees.

A lawyer – a criminal lawyer, no less – has looked past all of this and when Christian Porter called her up, while on ‘sick cunt leave’ from his job as a member of the Australian Parliament, and said “I can charge my flights from Perth and a hotel room to the government as ‘Official Duties’. We can maybe do some blow and I can fuck you like a debating champ. You in?”, that lawyer gave her enthusiastic consent.

RELATED: “WE’LL SUE IF YOU TELL”! Small WA legal firm AUL Law behind mystery “blind trust” which “alleged rapist” Christian Porter says paid his legal fees

This is the standard that lawyers walk past. This is the standard that Scott Morrison and the LNP walk past.

This is the standard Australian voters will walk past. Australia is fucked like that.

One more thing. Now I am a columnist, I can do what all columnists do: Hark back to something I wrote a while ago, regurgitate it and pat myself on the back for being so clever.

In 2020, Scott Morrison and the LNP looked at the federal election timetable and deduced correctly that there was nothing to be gained by being “at the front of the queue” for a Covid-19 vaccine.

Emails to rat-faced Health minister, Greg Hunt, recently released under Freedom of Information, confirm everything I wrote a while back: Hunt had no intention of ordering Pfizer vaccines which would expire before he intended to use them for political gain.

TRUE OPINION: A caveman like Scott Morrison knows plenty about ‘The Croods’

Waiting for Covid to spread, lock us down and start killing people was always going to make rolling out the vaccine more memorable. A government gets no credit for averting a disaster that never eventuates. Ask Wayne Swan.

Jabs for a mere 14 million people could have been done by February if the Morrison government had used the advantage of time created by Victoria suppressing Covid last year.

One wonders why we bothered? Why didn’t we just book a delivery van and drive to NSW for a three way with Daryl and Gladys? It was on offer. I saw it on Tinder. Christian swiped right.

I hate Morrison and blame his re-election strategies for the lock downs. I blame every death of the unvaccinated on that smirking prick. “He will bring us death, and they will love him for it”. I see no material difference between Morrison and the sub-human who murdered my friend in a park.

That is the standard Australia walks past. How good are new submarines!

About Kieran Butler 33 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at


  1. WE THE PEOPLE not only PAID Porter’s ‘infringement’ notice. WE ‘reimbursed’ him!?
    Nice little double-dip.
    The rest is the way lawyers and government milk us.
    I want to know what lawyers who claim to ‘represent’ individuals, stretching it out for years but doing nothing, have ‘earned’. There must be a record of their expenditure?

  2. On another train. This is the head honcho that we were all expected to put our faith in and appeal to in times of need, believing him to extend a lawful arm of justice?
    What a f joke!

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