TRUE OPINION: Lies! Rape! Corruption! Vote Liberal. We really, really want you to

TRUE OPINION: Vote for the Liberal Party at this year’s federal election if you want more lies, rape and corruption, advises Kieran Butler.

Copping a proper belting from the Twitterati is one of the perks of the job when handing out brickbats to the darlings of the Australian Left. They imagine themselves as Will Smith at the Oscars when they pile on to defend the political pundits they love and cherish.

I posed a simple question: “Is there anything more pointless than Patricia Karvelas?” the other day. Karvelas quote tweeted it, and we were off to the races. In case you were wondering, the answer is “Kieran Butler”. In reply, I copied and pasted repeatedly: “With a razor sharp wit like that, you could be a Liberal voter?” That’s a Simpsons paraphrase in case you were racking your brain.

Someone who is not voting Liberal at the next Federal election is Liberal member of the NSW Upper House, Catherine Cusack. The shit show that is the NSW pre-selection process has gone “full retard” (from the movie Tropic Thunder) and Cusack has penned a suicide note to The Guardian to announce that the party of Robert Menzies is dead, buried and cremated. It was Scott Morrison what killed it; in the Parliamentary Prayer room, with his ukulele.

RELATED – TRUE OPINION: After a few weeks away I’ve changed my mind – Australia is way more f*cked than even I thought!

The Liberal Party, and by extension, the LNP, is in existential crisis. There are heaps of Liberals and National members who hate Morrison and want him gone. Unsurprisingly, Australians couldn’t care less. Morrison’s approval ratings have gone up in recent polling. No matter how much of a c*nt he appears to be, he just can’t drop under 40%!

Cusack weeps for what her party has become under her feckless leader, and the damage it has done to the whole damn country. You almost feel sorry for her – until you realise that it has been a slow and inexorable process.

It started when Howard played the race card with the Tampa and “children overboard” to win in 2001.  I doubt Cusack was that bothered at the time.

When Abbott appealed to Australia’s misogyny and penchant for racism and refugee torture to win in 2013, Cusack was more than happy to take it.

When Morrison covered up for the murderers of Reza Berati on Manus Island and abused refugee kiddies for votes, Cusack probably turned a blind eye.

Did #sportrorts and doing a deal with Brittany Higgins to stay quiet prior to the 2019 election bother her?

I doubt it.

RELATED – TRUE OPINION: Being Right When Australia Is So Wrong

So let’s not blame this all on ScoMo. All he did was get sacked from a cushy tourism job by Fran Bailey, and then have to reinvent himself as an LNP member in the aftermath. While Morrison might protest that he finds it offensive that the bloke he dog-whistled about is accusing him of racism, I am struggling to understand why the LNP are suddenly so keen to denounce a racist PM! I thought it was the only way they knew how to get elected. It was only a month ago they were testing out some anti-Chinese rhetoric for shits and giggles.

It was early February when I said categorically that the LNP would install Josh Frydenberg as PM, and use that as a justification to have a half Senate election in May so they could push the House of Reps election out to August. It is about to happen. Very soon. You wouldn’t know it from listening to all the other hacks out there like Karvelas. They all seem convinced that Morrison is going to call it for May 21. Or is it that they can’t bear to admit that Cusack and Butler are right? That the Liberal Party is fucked; and so is Australia if they get another three years.

What we have noticed here at True Crime News Weekly is that our readership increases three fold whenever we write about (allegedly) rapey LNP politicians. Considering the best three-word slogan the LNP have got going for them these days is “Lies. Rape. Corruption”; we can only heartily endorse re-electing these bastards. I’d like to personally ask Christian Porter to reconsider his resignation and get back to what he does best: Debating trips.

RELATED: REMEMBER JOHN HOWARD? The “desiccated coconut” and his “White tribe of Asia” continues to loom large over Aussie racism

It appears that Frydenberg floats Zali Steggall’s boat for some reason, but I can guarantee you that he is just as f*cked up as Morrison, Abbott or Howard.

His love of a rort is second to none, he lied his head off about not hearing that Morrison racially profiled Michael Towke in 2007 – when everyone who follows politics in Australia accepts it as common knowledge.

What would have been surprising is if Morrison hadn’t played an anti-Leb / anti-Muslim race card to win pre-selection for Cook. Howard set a standard, and Morrison would have known he was expected to follow it.

RELATED – TRUE OPINION: Is Scott Morrison a Racist? F*ck, how should I know … I’m only a Muslim

So please vote Liberal whenever the f*ck this election gets held. Vote for Josh Frydenberg to keep printing money and running up another trillion dollars worth of debt he can funnel to LNP donors, or use to rort his way to victory in 2025. It will work out much better for all of us in the long run. By all of us, I mean the crew here at True Crime News Weekly.

Finally, don’t forget to subscribe. We tried to pay the website hosting company with truth and integrity last week, but they declined to accept it.

If reading my rubbish makes you smile from time to time – because you know deep down that we are all pretty much fucked – send us some coin.

We promise to spend it on illegal drugs and producing Brian Houston’s new solo album. He is a surprisingly good singer / songwriter for an (allegedly) rapey piece of shite!

Always go full racist” – John Howard

About Kieran Butler 33 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at

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