TRUE OPINION: Lies. Rape. Corruption. Vote LNP

TRUE OPINION: Lies. Rape. Corruption. Vote LNP. You know half of Australia will, writes Kieran Butler.

I was booting up the freeway doing 150 the other day. I had just finished downing my thirteenth stubby when, to my shock and astonishment, I spotted a police car in the rearview mirror. On account of the advice from my spiritual leader, Scott Morrison, I don’t look through the rearview mirror as a rule. However, after 13 beers, I desperately needed to break the monotony of looking out the front windscreen.

I pulled over for a chinwag with the police officer. He was wearing a surgical face mask. I don’t watch the news much, but from what I can gather, there are a lot of people wearing masks so they don’t catch a disease and die. Some of them are even doing this to prevent spreading a disease to other people! Wearing masks happens in China quite a lot, but the last time I checked I live in Australia, not some dodgy communist country.

The police officer seemed incredibly agitated about how fast I was driving. He kept going on and on about “the law”. When he saw all the stubbies piled up on my passenger seat, he got super mad and began talking about the safety of everyone else on the road.

I couldn’t help but laugh. I told him that my spiritual adviser, Scott Morrison, had said emphatically that “Australians were sick of being told what to do” and that it was up to me to take responsibility for myself and decide what was best for me.

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Luckily, I am a great driver and can handle myself on the piss. What was best for me was doing 150 and taking the edge off the boredom of a long drive by having a bevvy or 13. I thanked him for his concern, but stopping on the side of the road for a chat with the local constabulary was slowing me down and cutting into my drinking time!

Later that day, I was on Internet and saw that some wanker was calling my spiritual leader, Scott Morrison, a corrupt liar. This is preposterous. Anyone who agrees with me isn’t a liar! I grabbed another stubby and called whoever it was a troll.

I hate trolls. They are like the refugees of the Internet. It is about time the government started telling trolls to fuck off back to where they came from. I don’t know a lot about the law, but I am fairly certain trolls are against the law and I should be protected from them. We need to keep society safe from trolls and rapists and pedophiles and Muslims and terrorists. This is just common sense.

I rang my local member. He’s a good mate of mine. When I was short of work a few years ago he told me my spiritual leader, Scott Morrison, was doling out cash to build change rooms at all the local footy clubs so my mate could hold onto his seat at the last election. Some dickhead who was concerned about climate change was running against him so he needed the cash to buy a few votes. I was golden. I didn’t even have to send him a quote. He sorted out a couple of year’s worth of work for me building change rooms. I over charged like a wounded bull and bought a new truck that does 150 on the freeway.

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I was surprised that my call went straight to voicemail. I tried a couple more times and finally got through. I told him about the trolls and asked if he was going to do anything about it. He muttered something about someone called Britney being the worst troll of them all. “Didn’t they free Britney?” I asked. He sounded confused. Now that we were done with the small talk, I enquired as to whether he needed any more change rooms built. “Yeah” he said “There’s a lot more cash coming so we can win the next election, but you didn’t donate to my campaign so I’m going with Barry. Anyway, Merry Christmas”. He hung up.

I hate Barry. He is as bent as a dog’s hind leg. I believe in an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. It’s like those bludgers on the dole. Always looking for a hand out or a leg up. You can’t expect to live off government coin for the rest of your life.

I hate the government. That is why I am such a big fan of my spiritual leader, Scott Morrison. He believes that the government should get out of people’s lives and stop telling everyone what to do. People are sick of mandates and laws and rules. I suppose it sounds a bit strange on the one hand; arguing to be in charge of something that you believe shouldn’t be in charge of anything. But I’ll leave that sort of commentary to the philosophers. I am an Australian. I can’t be fucked with any of that!

Lies. Rape. Corruption. Vote LNP. It’s the Aussie way.

About Kieran Butler 17 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at www.kieranbutler.com

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