TRUE OPINION: SCOMO GOES SCUMMO! Totally addicted to Bass … and Corruption

TRUE OPINION: Integrity? What integrity. They’re lying, thieving, sleazy, scummy bastards. So says Kieran Butler … and even that pesky Jenkins report released this week looking into all the sexual abuse in Parliament.

The honourable member for Bass crossed the floor of the Parliament last week. It was a desperate attempt to save her marginal seat at the next election. I have always liked the fact that the seat of Bass is named after the instrument in a rock band that is the cheapest to buy, the easiest to learn; and is the inspiration for the political phrase “play to the Bass”. If you are one of the seven people who liked that joke, I salute you.  Thanks for stopping by.

The member for Bass crossed the floor because resident Parliamentary weather vane, Jacqui Lambie, is threatening to “play to the Bass” as part of her traditional ‘shouting about how shithouse the government are six months out from an election’ routine – despite voting for pretty much all of the legislation they have presented to the Senate for the past eight years.

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The LNP Bass player, Bridget Archer, was venerated for crossing the floor to vote for a debate on Helen Haines’ anti-corruption legislation. Haines called Archer a “lioness” for the simple act of saying “Let’s debate some legislation that the government promised to introduce to the Parliament three years ago”. That is how low the bar in Australian democracy is now set: You’re a deadest hero for doing your fucking job. Sounds like a typical Bass player.

Lead singers hate it when a Bass player pulls a gratuitous move like that. “If anyone is gonna play to the Bass, it’s me” is what they reckon. So Scott Morrison sent his lead guitarist, Josh Frydenberg, to trick the Bass player into coming to a band meeting at his place so the lead singer could watch the Bass player cry. Anyone who has ever fronted a band will tell you that watching the Bass player cry is the best part of being the type of wanker who holds down a lead vocal.

The whole episode neatly encapsulates the minutiae of the Jenkins report into federal Parliamentary culture. The Parliament, it seems, is quite rapey and chock full of bullying lead singers. It is hardly surprising. Parliaments are meant to represent the electorate that votes for them. Famous around the world for torturing refugees for no other reason than having an un-quenching thirst for cruelty, and bullshitting everyone, Australia bullies the powerless with impunity, and tells porkies with a shit eating smirk on it’s face. Democracy works. We get the politicians we deserve because they are exactly like us.

This was hard to discern from the earnest and breathless reactions to the Jenkins report, which was coupled with the story of how “When is the debt Due Frydenberg” cooed in Bridget Archer’s ear, invited her to his office for a quiet chat, and then promptly marched her into Morrison’s office against her wishes. Turns out grabbing a woman’s hand so he can shake it, or telling a woman to keep quiet about her rape in the office down the hall until after the election, is not the only thing Morrison can force a woman to do.

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The Guardian’s Katharine Murphy was unable to put a sentence together in response to what happened to Archer; but insists that Morrison’s response to the Jenkins report will define his time as Prime Minister!

Murphy has been equivocating like this for years. For her, Morrison is an irascible boyfriend she desperately hopes will one day stop his abusive behaviour and finally become the man she always believed he could be. For Murphy, every report or suite of recommendations is a new opportunity for Morrison to turn over a new leaf. It’s the sort of ham-fisted political analysis that deserves an Order of Australia!

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There is no shortage of LNP women who are happy to cover for Morrison. Senator Jane Hume followed Eddie McGuire’s example after Collingwood’s ‘Do Better’ report detailed the racism at his football club. Despite the devastating findings, Hume, like McGuire, claimed she is proud that she is a member of the government who commissioned the report in the first place. We must be dangerously close to gender equality. Now men and women in positions of power make similarly bizarre arguments to defend the indefensible.

You can add Anne Ruston and Katie Allen to that list. Although I should add there is no truth to the rumour that Allen wants to change the name of her electorate to Keep it quiet until after the election Higgins

For his part, Morrison will lie his way through it all like he lies his way through everything else. There is a school of thought that says being branded a liar is supposedly a problem for him electorally. I doubt this. Australians love a liar as much as they love lying to each other, and themselves, about who they really are. Morrison is what most Australians see smirking right back at them when they catch a glimpse of their reflection in the political mirror.

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He’s grotesque. He gaslights. He bullies women and anyone else who gets in his way. He’s corrupt, and supports others, such as Gladys Berijiklian and Christian Porter, in their corrupt behaviour. He believes in eagles who tell him he has been chosen by God to lead Australia to the promised land. He‘s a tad sociopathic.

When Australia re-elects Morrison it will define the moment in its short and shitty history when the standard it chose to walk past was lies, rape & corruption. It will be a watershed moment. If you watch politics enough to know why the Bass player analogy was a cracker, you will be aware that, due to Covid and nothing else, America is in the middle of a short reprieve from the lunacy of Donald Trump.

Australia has its own Trump. He is a fatuous, smirky, cap-wearing turd called Scott Morrison; and Australia is headed for another three years of his shithouse government because, like the rapey Parliament it keeps electing, Australia sees a lot of itself in him.

PS – That is my real name up there if you want to try and cancel me. I use nom de plumes elsewhere on social media, but they spend most of their time locked up for what Meta calls hate speech. If you haven’t been to Facebook jail at least once, you need to lay off the cat videos. Meta even has an appellate process to review their various rulings. You’d think some plonker in the LNP would have looked this up before pretending to take on the internet trolls!

About Kieran Butler 33 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at

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