TRUE OPINION: Tim Wilson is the WORST!

TRUE OPINION: You have to give Tim Wilson some credit. In a party that boasts Christian Porter, Scott Morrison and Simon Birmingham, Wilson manages a brand of smarmy odiousness that is all his own, writes satirist Kieran Butler.

I had the misfortune of sharing a green room with Wilson for a taping of Insight back in 2014 when Wilson was a free speech warrior. I was flown to Sydney by SBS for a program about the Racial Discrimination Act and the debate about the repeal of section 18C. Two years previous, my insignificant Open Mic comedy room had been thrown to the mainstream media wolves because of a debate about rape jokes. Ah, those were the days!

The man who stands for nothing other than Tim Wilson merrily threw me under the bus after reading the room as it turned against a white, middle-aged man who refused to bow down to censorial feminists – whilst managing to keep his “18C is a threat to free speech” hat on. He also ate most of the chicken sandwiches in the green room.

Lefty critics will probably accuse me of rampant homophobia. I reject that. I hate hypocrites, and hold in contempt anyone who ligs a rider – except for me.

TRUE OPINION: Scotty delayed vaccines for votes

Wilson hates the ABC too. Except for when he is on it as a regular guest. So imagine my surprise when he tipped a bucket of shit on Andrew Leigh yesterday because the ALP has walked away from it’s franking credits and negative gearing policies, and backed in tax cuts for the richest 10%.

The man who stands for nothing other Tim Wilson announced without a hint of irony that the ALP is the party that stands for nothing.

It makes sense that the ALP have ditched any semblance of differentiation from the pithy neo-liberalism of the incumbent government. They only ever win government when they promise to be a carbon copy of the LNP.

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In 2007 they had to go as far to punt up a bloke who looked like incumbent PM John Howard. This is how thick most Australian voters are. It follows that the ALP fail every time they over estimate the intelligence of the electorate.

There has been a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth in the progressive media about the ALP abandoning these policies. These Hope addicts still desperately cling to the dream of a fairer and more equitable Australia that died in 1996.

The best the ALP can expect is to sneak over the line before capitulating to a hate-filled Murdoch media and hypocrites like Wilson blaming the trillion dollar debt that Josh ‘when’s the debt due’ Frydenberg has racked up on a newly minted ALP government.

Australian politics: It’s a circle of shit.

My sources tell me Frydenberg is now enamoured with Modern Monetary Theory (MMT), giving Morrison carte blanche to spend up on disaster payments. At some point, a vote in the next Federal election will be listed on the ASX.

Tim Wilson would be straight in at 10 AM on the morning of that IPO. Tim likes to spend money on Tim Wilson. He racked up 50 grand travelling around the country for his inquiry into the now defunct ALP policy on franking credits. He should invoice the ALP for good measure.

Scott Morrison put Tim down for a swag of car parks in his electorate 10 minutes before he called the 2019 election. The reason for this, according to Tim, is that Tim is a very effective local member. His husband agrees. Every bloke needs a space to park his car. As Christian Porter will tell you.

TRUE OPINION: I’m going to become a racist wanker politician like the rest of them. Hear me out…

The basics of MMT explain that a currency issuer can spend money into existence to boost an economy. Australia did just that last year and all economic indicators suggest that it works. It worked best for the likes of Harvey Norman, who pocketed millions from Jobkeeper. A chunk of that will no doubt make it back as donations to the coffers of the LNP to spend on campaigning at the next election. Add that to another program of pork barreling and you’ve got a recipe for another three years of grifting. The system works.

Tim Wilson, and his attitude to public money to help him stay in Parliament so he can ask idiotic Dixers during Question Time, got me thinking on how we can all get in on the action.

A backbencher in Federal Parliament gets a base salary of 211 grand. Yep, $211,000. That’s just the beginning. Start your own inquiry into opposition policy and you could rort even more. You get $270 for every night you stay away from home for fuck’s sake.

Why not offer ten thousand members of your electorate a stake in your run for Parliament. They invest $10 each, and if you win, you promise to pay them $10 a year out of your backbencher salary for every year you get to park your arse on the cross bench. Anything else you can pick up along the way is paid out in dividends from time to time. If you don’t win, pay it all back like a Bonus Bet from a betting website.

With ten thousand people on the books the major parties would come knocking to do a preference deal. Sell it to the highest bidder and distribute the winnings to your investors. Is the whole election to close to call? You might get to decide the government. Once again, sell it to the highest bidder.

Some lawyer reckons it would be a breach of electoral law. Who knows? Who cares? Nobody I know. What I have learned since watching Wilson stuff all those SBS sandwiches into his face is that people like him who cynically manipulate the system never get pinged for it.

Neither should any of the rest of us.

About Kieran Butler 8 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at www.kieranbutler.com

3 Comments

  1. Wilson should be fitted with a straight jacket and chucked into a padded cell and have the fire hose wake him up in the morning then beaten round the uncle ned with a damp copy of the Daily Tele…

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