TRUE OPINION: Spoilt child-turned-billionaire Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party should be supported without shame. Here are five reasons why, writes Joanna Psaros.
Earlier this week, an article was published in the Guardian reporting that the United Australia Party may be more popular than polls would indicate, with “embarrassment” preventing many Australians from voicing their true support.
Though the latest polls show just one per cent of those surveyed as backing the UAP, Guardian journalists claim more than a quarter of those exiting an early polling centre in Sydney last week said they voted in favour of the UAP.
The article attributed an analyst as saying that “polling participants often don’t respond truthfully, and don’t talk openly about their views, if they think they’ll be judged.”
I don’t doubt this is the case. But I do find it disappointing.
What has Australia come to, when we can’t even express support for a fringe political party with links to the alt-right and QAnon conspiracy theorists, founded and chaired by a man currently facing serious criminal charges and who once attempted to build his own life-sized Jurassic Park on the Gold Coast, without feeling judged? Palmersaurus, we barely knew thee.
The dinosaurs may be gone, but at least Clive now has Hitler’s old Mercedes. Supposedly. Clive may have needed the car to get around now that his long enunciated dream to sail the seas sunk without a trace.
After all, those with a real political education know that in 2022 there are more reasons than ever to be out and proud with their true feelings about Clive Palmer and the United Australia Party. So in the spirit of absolutely no embarrassment needed, let’s take a look back at the top four reasons UAP voters should feel proud of their choices this election day.
1. UAP knows how to reach the people – whether they like it or not
Mainstream politicians are often accused of being out of touch and having no real time for their constituents on an individual basis. Not so with UAP.
When it comes to the causes that matter, United Australia politicians are committed to engaging with as many everyday Australians as possible on a personal, shockingly invasive, and incredibly annoying basis. Just like they did last September, when thousands of Australians received mass text messages authorised by Craig Kelly and sent to their personal mobile numbers. Sure, the texts were about as welcome as an unsolicited dick pic on Tinder. But at least the message was worthwhile- a scare campaign of misinformation urging Australians not to get vaccinated.
2. Despite spending billions, their campaigns look as stingy as you and I
Clive Palmer may be the seventh richest person in Australia, worth an estimated $18.35 billion personally. And the UAP may have spent one hundred times that of the major parties on political advertising this election campaign. But you’d never know it.
Lacking in quality what they make up for in sheer quantity, the party’s television and radio ads, campaign marketing, and official website somehow all have an incredibly homemade air about them, their garish colours and bad photoshop giving the party a comfortingly homey feel almost all Australians can relate to.
And yes, UAP rallies seem to have all the expensive bells and whistles right down to their catchy mainstream soundtrack. But don’t worry, Palmer doesn’t actually pay anything before he plagiarises singles from seventies rock bands– or even ask permission. He’s just like us!
WATCH: CLIVE IS SPENDING UP BIG THIS ELECTION CAMPAIGN JUST LIKE LAST TIME
3. They’re learned in history and world events
Better known for making weird memes than being great orators, Clive Palmer and his UAP offsiders are not generally considered the sharpest tools; even in that bluntest of sheds that is Australian Parliament.
But what people don’t realise is that the UAP is actually a party of historians and scholars- just look at their anti-lockdown campaign. While certain politicians both here and abroad were condemned for appropriating Holocaust imagery and terminology to align their idiotic cause with literal genocide, United Australia decided to co-opt an entirely different historical atrocity. That’s why last year, UAP ads incorporated a booming voiceover that stated: “Mr McGowan; tear down that wall!”
Yes, that was indeed a reference to US President Ronald Reagan’s famous 1987 speech in which he implored Russian leader Mikhail Gorbachev to end his reign of global division and restore freedom to the German people, repurposed as a petty “f*ck you” to Mark McGowan. And if that’s not enough, Clive Palmer himself further demonstrated his love for all things historical by promising to build a cruise ship replicating the 1912 Titanic. Though on second thought, he might have just been thinking of the James Cameron film.
4. You know, he’s something of a scientist himself
From his unconventional views on vaccination and the Covid “conspiracy,” to debunking academically tested evidence of climate change on vibe alone, Clive Palmer has gone above and beyond to ensure the UAP is truly Australia’s science party.
Who could forget the great Palmer v Ross Garnaut (economist and climate campaigner) debate of 2014, in which Palmer suggested we reduce carbon emissions by “Take[ing] some from nature … some from industry … maybe all from nature,” after informing viewers that “… air moves around the world.”
But don’t take my word for it. The UAP Chairman is such an authority that Al Gore himself once approached him to take down the problem of global warming once and for all. At least, that’s what Clive Palmer said. And if you can’t trust the founder of a fringe political party currently facing serious criminal charges and who once attempted to build his own life-sized Jurassic Park on the Gold Coast, then who can you trust?