TRUE OPINION: The federal election’s results will be a good barometer to measure just how f*cked up Australia is, writes Kieran Butler.
2018 was a f*cked up year for me. My friend was murdered in a park. I chose to process my grief by flying to the other side of the world to perform the final installment of my satirical Australia is Fucked trilogy – for a pre-booked 25 night run at the Edinburgh Fringe.
Australia: Origin of Fucked outlined how Australia was from where the politics of Brexit and Trump had emanated. Murdoch used Australia as a petri dish and glorified focus group in 2013. The result was a landslide victory to the LNP, and the onion eating Tony Abbott.
I traced the genus of this back to the 1996 Port Arthur massacre. This tragic event prompted the newly elected Prime Minister, John Howard, to try and prove he was not a weak leader by taking guns off Australians.
This gave rise to the reactionary racism of Pauline Hanson, whose racist policies Howard stole to retain government in 2001. Howard played the race card with his famous “children overboard” manoeuvre.
This approach became the template for the LNP under Abbott. Murdoch exported it to the world; where “Build the Wall” was just a shitty cover version of “Stop the Boats”.
Today, the LNP have reached into their worn out bag of classic hits. They have sent out millions of text messages announcing that the illegal boats, chock full of dirty refugees, are already on their way! This is crack cocaine for Australian racists. This shit will always move votes for the LNP.
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I was still in the UK when Collingwood made the 2018 AFL Grand Final. A song I wrote in 2009 contained the lyric about Collingwood: “It’s like your parents voting Labour”. Collingwood are like Albanese’s South Sydney Rabbitohs. If there’s a way to fuck it up, they’ll find it.
The last quarter of that Grand Final was excruciating. After the year that 2018 was for me thus far, I knew what was going to happen in the very core of my being. Despite being in a match winning position early in the game, Collingwood had inexorably allowed the West Coast Eagles within striking distance.
Murdochian umpiring denied Collingwood an obvious free kick in defence. The Eagles’ Dom Sheed was now kicking for goal, on a difficult angle, to win the match. If you want Morrison and his government of lying, corrupt, rape cover-upperers consigned to history, you are now every Collingwood supporter in Australia watching Dom Sheed kick for goal in 2018.
Just like it was for Collingwood that day, this election is not going to end well.
If you are a regular True Opinion reader, you will know I reckon Australians lie to pollsters, and save their true depravity for the anonymity of the polling booth. Yesterday, lo and behold, online analysis confirmed that United Australia Party voters are too ashamed to tell pollsters who they are going to vote for.
These clandestine UAP voters are not alone. The LNP boast a demonstrable triumvirate of lies, rape and corruption, and in polite company, Australians will pretend this bothers them. In reality, they don’t give a fuck; and vote accordingly.
A quick gag: What’s Latin for Clive Palmer? Ipso Fatso. I’m here all week. Try the lack of due diligence with respect to the f*ckwit you’re about to vote for.
A harbinger of where this election result is headed is the 2020 American Presidential election, where Donald Trump claimed victory prematurely, and proceeded to undermine the electoral process.
The amount of pre-polling in the 2022 Federal election is now close to 50%. A majority of these votes were cast prior to the LNP campaign launch where Morrison announced his “use your superannuation to buy yourself a house” policy.
Pre-poll voters had already made up their minds to get rid of this government, and will therefore make up the majority of voters who have headed out in record numbers for the past few weeks.
Votes cast today will be skewed toward the LNP for a variety of reasons. First and foremost will be the huge rise in votes for the United Australia Party, whose preferences will flow to the LNP.
This will be coupled with that chunk of voters who have been lying to pollsters all along, and others who are enamoured with the idea of using the money set aside for their retirement to pump up the over inflated Australian property market.
As votes cast in polling booths around the country today begin to be tallied, the numbers will indicate that the LNP are projected to be headed for a narrow victory.
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It won’t matter how many times Antony Green keeps warning that the sheer size of the pre-poll numbers mean it would be premature to call the election, the likes of Leigh Sales and David Speers will crank up their biased prognostications in order to give Morrison enough cover to claim victory before the ALP concede.
Having seized the initiative, the man who dubbed himself a “bulldozer” will refuse to admit he may have made a mistake. As the pre-poll votes begin to roll in over the following days and weeks, against the backdrop of various challenges in the Court of disputed returns, Morrison will begin to gently suggest that the pre-poll voting process has been possibly tainted, creating the chaos a Republican President relied upon in his attempted coup.
The AEC may well announce a final result that dictates neither the ALP, nor the LNP, have a majority in their own right. However, any agreement negotiated with the crossbench by the ALP will be torpedoed by Morrison’s intransigence, before legal proceedings in the High Court propel Australia toward a Constitutional crisis.
If you think this election campaign has been a clusterf*ck, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Scott Morrison doesn’t hold a hose, because like an arsonist during heatwave, he does his best work with a box of matches. If he can’t have it, he will burn it to the ground.
Enjoy your Democracy Sausage. It is an apt euphemism. Australian democracy: It’s minced lips and arseholes in a wafer thin intestinal casing. Don’t overdo it. Like the 2010 AFL Grand Final, this might be headed for a replay.