TRUE OPINION: Would Scott Morrison let Christian Porter go debating with his daughters?

TRUE OPINION: It’s a simple question, says satirist Kieran Butler. Would PM Scott Morrison let “alleged rapist” Christian Porter go debating with his daughters?

‘Twas early September I dropped a 30 second video clip on the pond scum of oft maligned left-leaning bullies known as the ‘Twitter mob’: According to erstwhile Minister for Who Gives a Fuck, Christian Porter.

To the tune of previous LNP propaganda, my short clip took aim at Australia’s Prime Minister for Pentecostal procrastination. It highlighted Scott Morrison’s penchant for #handshakerape, listed the women who have done his dirty work or kept quiet about it, and concluded with the salient question “Would Morrison let Christian go debating with his daughter?”

In doing so, I created The Real Federal Opposition. This is necessary. The actual federal opposition is not up the task of tackling a supercilious prick like Morrison. They lack the depravity for starters. Australian politics is for the depraved. Not washed up hippies stuck in a perennial feedback loop of hoping Australia is better than this.

VIDEO: WOULD PM SCOTT MORRISON LET CHRISTIAN PORTER GO DEBATING WITH HIS DAUGHTERS?

“Prime Minister, would you let your daughter go debating with Christian Porter?” is not just a great question from the perspective of meter and rhyme. It has been integral to fueling the ‘Twitter mob’ that has finally driven the fine and upstanding former Attorney General from the Ministry.

Selfless to a fault, Porter cannot countenance divulging the identities of the “ordinary people… who have contributed to a Trust based on confidentiality” on the grounds that they will “come to be deemed to commit a form of social crime for defending the subject of an unproven allegation”.

RELATED: “WE’LL SUE IF YOU TELL”! Small WA legal firm AUL Law behind mystery “blind trust” which “alleged rapist” Christian Porter says paid his legal fees

Porter successfully buried the brief of evidence the ABC intended to deploy in defence of Porter’s claim he was defamed. Yet Porter also claims “any reasonable person would conclude” that different documents he has “recently been provided… show an allegation that lacks credibility” and “there has been a careful and deliberate avoidance in reporting it”.

Well colour me unreasonable if that shit isn’t a rebuttal for the ages!

Say what you like about Porter, but he didn’t get to the National Debating Championships on his good looks and lack of ironing abilities.

Paragon of virtue, Barnaby Joyce, is in no doubt whatsoever about Porter: The good burghers of Pearce will re-elect him and, in time, Porter will be back in the Ministry. Asking him is redundant. All of Joyce’s daughters could go debating with Porter at the same time. Joyce would supply the condoms. Barnaby is the salt of earth. Ask his wife. All of them.

However, now that he is Acting Prime Minister for a few days, surely just watching him answer this question for himself in that idiosyncratic way he has of grabbing and reassembling talking points like a retarded rabbit, would be worth the price of a Sky News subscription (if you don’t live in a country town).

At this juncture I would address the criticism of bringing the Prime Minister’s children into this by invoking Joyce’s insistence on adhering to the ubiquitous ‘Christensen Doctrine’: That we should all be able to say whatever we want whenever we want.

TRUE OPINION: Lawyers love f*ckboy Christian Porter for some weird reason…

Joyce has also latched onto Morrison’s suggestion that an elected member’s constituents are now an elected member’s employer, and therefore, it is the people in the seat of Pearce who will have to work out what to do with Porter at the next election – first scheduled for October, postponed due to the rape, now re-scheduled for November because the order for new submarines has gone in.

Will we now have to ask every single elector in the seat of Pearce: “Would you let Porter go debating with your daughters?”

My fearless editor at True Crime News Weekly will be sending this very question straight to the Prime Minister’s office in coming days. Such is the awesome power of the ‘Twitter mob’ of which we are a part; we have every reason to believe that Morrison’s people are currently quaking with fear.

It’s a version of the ‘when did you stop beating your wife’ question.

Thank Christ Albo isn’t fucked up enough to ask it in Question Time.

About Kieran Butler 9 Articles
Kieran Butler is a comedian, musician and satirist. He is best known in Australia for his pop-parody musical "Ben Cousins: a rock opera" and has received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe for "Che Guevara on the Fringe" (**** The Scotsman) and his sold-out "Australia is Fucked" trilogy. More info at www.kieranbutler.com

Be the first to comment

Have Your Say